My first discovery. There has been more than a couple since entering the crazy awesome world of motherhood, however this is the one that prompted me to start exploring my head a little deeper. Perhaps it was more of a momentary realisation, a slice of self discovery, just a fragment of time where the mist clears and a ray of sparkling clarity seems to penetrate the defences. I'm not sure whether the thickness of my mist has been enhanced by the joys of morning sickness combined with an additional haze of sleep deprivation or whether thi
For the last 8 years, whilst discovering the world of motherhood, I have found that the underlying thought pattern of 'What do I want to become' or a 'what do I want to be when I grow up' has remained steady. There has yet to be a moment where I feel as though I've arrived. Each and every day has been a constant learning curve leaving me feeling like I'm still coming to terms with feeling like a fully fledged adult. Which is a little scary as I'm technically an adult and have been for a while now. I still find the memories of school so fresh that I have to hold myself back from joining in when the kids chorus out at assembly "Good Morning Teachers". And when my hubby and I sneak away for a night away together in an attempt to remember what it feels like to be a couple, there is this small underlying feeling of 'pretending' to be a big girl. Maybe it's just me? He seems to think I've lost the plot.
Sure I'm a wife, a mum and a woman, but how and in what order? Are these multiple personalities easily interchangeable and meant to smoothly slip into place as the need arises, or am I meant to somehow be all at once? How do you go from being in mum mode complete with baby spit running down your shoulder, a colouring in pencil behind your ear and play school music playing in the background to wife mode let alone something glamorous and 'womanly'. And where is just me? what is she? Has she changed or just buried under the layers of responsibility? Will I ever learn to change my internal label of being "I'm JUST a mum".
My moment of thought provoking clarity came a couple of weeks ago when my eldest daughter was participating in a school project. Whilst learning about life in the 1850's, she had to take on the persona of a character and role play. Jumping in the car, so excited to tell me all about it she said "OMG (apparently this is 'cool' at the moment, however, not when I say it. Then it's just embarrassing!) I asked to be just like you and I got the part". Really, you want to be like me? What kind of me? Happy mummy me or crazy it's Sunday and this place is a pigsty me? Sad that rather than being humbled by her comments and excitement I panicked and my first thought was "am I doing an ok enough job at this mum thing to encourage you follow in my footsteps?"
Guess that means I'm going to have to pay a bit more attention on where I'm heading then rather than attempting to stumble along blindly and call it coping?! Which always makes me giggle. I've heard people comment, "my goodness, I don't know how you cope with the washing let alone everything else that goes with 4 kids and 2 businesses!". What makes you think I'm coping? I just do what needs to be done. I'm not generally one for fessing up that yesterday I hid under the clothes line with a coffee just for 5 minutes of peace so I didn't completely loose my cool, or that I hide in the toilet just to read my book or that I change the music in the car to the station I want, turn it up loud and sing so I can't hear the fighting in the backseat!!!
I'm not the perfect mum, and my children more than anyone have seen me at my barest. Grace has rubbed my back when I've been sobbing with morning sickness in the bathroom, George has told me I look beautiful when I'm standing in my wardrobe trying to find something that hides all my mum scars and rolls, Angus just cuddles me when he knows I'm nearing the edge and Lulu just knows how to make me smile. I can't hide from them. I can't pretend to them that it's easy. They see all, they know all. So to have Gracie say she wants to be like me, well maybe that's just about the biggest compliment a mother could ever wish for.
It may have taken 8 years, 4 kids and quite a few moments that have tested me more than I would care to admit but I think maybe I'm nearly getting there. It isn't meant to be easy, however it most certainly is meant to be worth it.
Discovery 1: I Love Being a Mum. So despite the fact that there are times when I've been pushed to the max (remind me later to tell you my honey story!), I have made it through ok so far. Maybe not altogether unscathed or blemish free but I've made it through and learnt so much along the way. There are bound to be moments for the rest of my life that test my every ounce of tolerance, coping ability, acceptance and empathy. However I have to just get into the mindset of that it's all do-able.
I love the saying "A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor" I'm not sure how to switch that analogy to parenting, I'm sure there are many ways, feel free to be creative.
I love cuddles, I love stories, I love playing, I love baking, ( I love watching a thunderstorm with my hubby whilst we sip cider after putting the kids to bed!). This may all make me sound like a complete nerd, however I do deep down inside love these things (even when we have to read the same school reader over and over and over again!)
Therefore I'm going to do everything in my power to do the things I love as MUCH as possible. Life is short and way too precious to waste on regrets and guilt. I have no idea what's around the corner, what obstables, celebrations, achievements or heartache. All I know is that from now on I just want to live it and savour the whole journey, the ups and downs everything. What a gift life is.
On that note, I'm off to pack our van. It's a 'vintage' (I'm talking lime green and brown paisley with lovely cosy mission brown cushions) jayco that somehow fits us all in and take us all camping. Just for the weekend, somewhere simple, with a fire, a hot water bottle and my little family.
For more information about me and my flexible online "stay-at-home-mum" friendly business simply head to http://www.emilylimb.arbonne.com.au
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